


I see dead people (well, at least one.)

by yankeetooter



Category: Chernobyl (TV 2019), River (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Haunting, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-05-16 07:32:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19313524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yankeetooter/pseuds/yankeetooter
Summary: Boris has lost Valery...for good now.  But for some reason Valery keeps showing up when Boris is alone, a condition that Boris seeks more and more.  Even when around others, everything reminds him of Valery...and it hurts immensely.





	1. Prelude

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is obviously based on the characters from the HBO Chernobyl miniseries, but takes place after Valery has committed suicide. 
> 
> I was inspired to write this after watching the first episode of River on Netflix, with Stellan Skarsgard.
> 
> This was painful and sad to write, so I'm only writing a little at a time.

~0~

Shcherbina's subordinate at the Council of Ministers was flirting with death again. Every chance he got, he was always picking up after Shcherbina. The funny thing was Shcherbina had always been meticulously tidy, but after losing Valery he found himself having a more cluttered house and office. Was it because doing so reminded him more of Valery and his constant clutter of papers?

Anyway, several times this new guy had almost thrown out important documents, and Shcherbina had about had it. While Shcherbina watched, he picked up an old depleted cigarette lighter from his desk and made as if to put it in the trash can.

"Not that one!" Shcherbina shouted.

Looking at the cigarette lighter, and remembering it from another heated discussion, the subordinate acted like he hadn't been about to throw it out. "I know not that one!". he bravely snapped back at Shcherbina before ducking out the door of the office. The sound of the door closing was quickly followed by the sound of a coffee mug smashing against the other side of the door where the subordinate had been standing moments ago.

After he left, Boris sat distraught, wondering why the exchange had suddenly stopped him short. Then he remembered...

Boris started laughing to himself, a laugh that suddenly transformed into sobs.


	2. "They're burying me tomorrow"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to about a week after Valery Legasov's suicide. Valery appears for the first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title inspired by a line in River, Season 1, episode 2
> 
> I'll probably reference the Netflix series a lot, as the show has become my muse for this story.

It had been six days since Valery had hung himself in his apartment, and five days since Boris had heard. The pain he felt was like nothing he had ever experienced. He felt like he was slowly drowning, like he couldn't quite get enough air. He hadn't hardly eaten, and had barely slept. Any time his position on the Council of Ministers required him to interact with others, he felt like he wanted to scream, to hurl them out a window, something. He just wanted to be alone!

Alone, he could have some peace of mind, could travel back to the Chernobyl days, when Legasov was by his side pretty much any time they weren't sleeping. He thought back on all the good and bad memories: bad memories, like when he would snarl and growl at Legasov about something, but oh how the good memories outweighed the bad. Some of the good memories were milestones in his heart...the look on Valery's face when he first stuck up for him against Brukhanov and Fomin, Valery's smile and a shared laugh and hug after the first lunar rovers, and, most of all, those words of Valery's as they sat out on the bench during the trial recess. Those words would be etched in his heart forever, but oh how he wished he had told Valery how he felt about him then when he had the chance. Even the humdrum memories of just working long hours together, sitting in the trailer, or on the couch making phone calls, were like little gems that would burn forever.

But people! They just kept coming around, barging into those memories, needing this or that. He did his job, but he no longer took pleasure in taking care of other's requests. Each one only reminded him of all the times he had snapped his fingers and supplied Valery with whatever they needed: sand, boron, workers, lunar rovers...for a brief moment a smile flickered on his face, then faded. Tears threatened to overcome him and he barely managed to fight them back.

He sat with his head laid back for awhile, trying not to let another wave of depression swallow him. After a while though, he began to feel as if someone was in the room. How dare they! he thought, but when he lifted his head and looked around, he almost passed out. Behind the lace curtains, there was an oh so familiar silhouette, although the face was turned away.

No! It couldn't be! His mind had snapped at last, and was playing cruel tricks on him. But then the figure turned...and it was Valery.

"Valera?" he whispered, choked with tears. But no, Valery was dead these past six days.

Valery came to him then, and he didn't care any more. He would rather go mad if he could only maintain this illusion, although he knew in his heart of hearts it could not be. And then Valery spoke, and it was his voice, the voice he heard in his dreams. "They're burying me tomorrow." Boris lost all consciousness and slumped to the floor.


	3. It starts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Valery is back in Boris' life...again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would Boris be able to feel Valery's touch? I don't know, but we've stretched reality this far, so let's go for it.

Gradually coming to...a gentle touch...someone stroking his hair. A voice...Valery's.

No, he won't open his eyes. This must be a dream. If he opens his eyes, it will all go away.

"Boris, Boris...", Valery's voice is insistent, but gentle. Boris reluctantly opens his eyes. He is laying on the floor still, with his head cradled in Valery's lap. I'm cracking up, he thinks. I've gone off the deep end. The radiation is now giving me hallucinations.

He shakes his head, as if to clear it, then reopens his eyes. Valery is still there. A look of concern is in his eyes. "How?", Boris starts. :"I came to see you. I no longer have anybody watching me." A wry smile crosses Valery's lips. "I've finally found a way to beat the KGB."

"This can't be! It makes no sense!" Boris is still in denial, understandably so. A knock at the door, and one of the aides enters.. And just like that, Valery is gone, vanished into thin air.


	4. Leave me alone!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some questions answered...

Boris quickly learned that when anyone else was around, Valery would vanish.  Because of this, he sought to be alone more and more.  Even when alone, though, Valery wasn't always there, which drove Boris crazy.  He had so many questions and Valery wasn't much help.

"How are you doing this?" he demanded the next time Valery appeared.

Valery could only shrug.  "I don't know, Borja.  I only remember thinking as I ...as I ...ended it, that all I had wanted was to be with you.  They could have isolated me, taken away awards and promotions, all that, and still, as long as I could have had you in my life, I could have been happy."

 "The next thing I knew, I was coming to your apartment, but... people couldn't see me.  In fact, a few walked right through me!  I can't explain it, there's nothing in science that can explain it, but I must be a sort of spirit, a ghost?"

"So, right after you...you?" Boris couldn't finish the sentence.  Everything was too raw, too painful.  "But I didn't see you, not for days!"

Valery looked sheepish, so like his old self, another stab of pain staggered Boris.  "I did come, and I saw you...and I couldn't deal with it.  I'm sorry, Borja.  Seeing your pain, knowing I had caused you such pain, I fled from here.  I felt so guilty!  And so I was a coward once again, when maybe if I'd stayed it would have helped you."

Boris embraced Valery, then drew back.  "Wait!  You said people walked through you!  How can I embrace you?  I can feel you?"

"Er... better not question that too deeply, Boris.  One night I did stay by you, though you never knew it.  I reached out to run my fingers through your hair, but didn't believe it was possible.  And nothing happened.  I couldn't feel or move your hair.  So, I think if we start trying to explain it, our lack of belief disables the process?  I don't know."

"Well, at least I should have an easier time of it than you, Valera!  Only a stubborn scientist could talk himself out of the possible.  Us career party men take things at face value!" Boris chuckled, then stopped himself.  He hadn't laughed in days.  Even then the laughter had only been a prelude to tears.

"But don't feel bad, Valera! I can imagine how you felt, and I probably would have done the same thing.  I would never have been able to bear the sight of you in such a state."

Valera nodded unhappily.  All he could think was that he had deserted Boris when he needed him most.

 


End file.
